How does grooming happen?

The images below show some of the ways a person might try to gain your trust so they can exploit or abuse you. They won’t all use these techniques, but it’s a good idea to make sure you know what to look out for. 

Discover

Click on the different boxes to find out more

Making contact with you

Making contact with you

Making contact with you

Before they can groom you, the person first needs to find a reason to speak to you. If it’s someone you already know, this is easier for them, because they know things about you. They may try to find a way to talk to you privately about things they know you’re interested in. They might message you or ask to meet you on your own. If it’s someone you haven’t met before, they will have to find an excuse to start talking to you. For example, they might get a friend to introduce them to you, or they might start a conversation at a party. If they contact you online: They may make a profile on an app (like TikTok, Kik, Snapchat, Instagram or Discord). Or they might create a profile through a game. They may pretend to be younger than they really are, or a different gender from their real gender, so they can talk to you. You may get an add request from someone you don’t know on a social platform. Or they may already be speaking to one of your friends on the platform and then add you too. They may start talking to you on a discussion board or server about something you’re interested in, to get your attention, and then move the conversation into a private chat.

Gaining your trust

Gaining your trust

Gaining your trust

People who groom use lots of different ways to gain your trust. They might: talk to you about something you’re interested in, give you compliments or affection, make you feel special or needed, give you gifts or make promises for the future. When someone is being so nice to you, it can be really hard to see that you’re being groomed. This is even more true if you feel like they understand you really well, or they make you feel good in a way that other people don’t. Sometimes, the person might get to know you and gain your trust over a long time. Other times it might happen very quickly.

Becoming important in your life

Becoming important in your life

Becoming important in your life

You may end up feeling like this person has become a friend or even a girlfriend or boyfriend. They may seem like someone you can rely on and turn to for support. This is their way of making themselves important in your life and becoming someone you turn to for help.

Isolating you from your friends and family

Isolating you from your friends and family

Isolating you from your friends and family

Sometimes the person might try to keep you away from your friends and family, or stop you talking openly to your friends and family. They might tell you that your friends and family don’t understand you and don’t support you in the way that they do. They may encourage you to speak to them instead of to the other people in your life. This is their way of breaking down trust between you and the other people in your life. They do this because it will make it easier for them to exploit or abuse you. If you’re already having problems in your relationships with your friends or family, the person could use this to help them manipulate you (get you to do what they want).

Making things sexual

Making things sexual

Making things sexual

The person trying to groom you may start to talk about sexual things. They may: give you compliments, tell you about their sexual desires, send you sexual pictures or videos or ask for sexual pictures or videos from you. This might happen gradually – over time, they manipulate you into more and more sexual activities. This might make you happy at first because they are telling you that you’re wanted and making you feel good about yourself and your body. But it’s important to remember that this is abusive. Manipulating you into sexual behaviour is a crime.

Keeping control

Keeping control

Keeping control

As we’ve seen, one of the ways they can do this is by giving you compliments, affection and gifts. They may stick to doing this. Or they may start to use threats. For example, if you’ve sent them a sexual photo, they may threaten to share this with other people, or post it online, if you don’t keep talking to them and doing what they say. They may make you feel like you owe them something because they’ve been so nice to you. Or they make you feel like they understand you, they care about you, and they’re there for you in ways other people aren’t. It’s important to remember that all this is part of the grooming process – it’s another way that they’re trying to manipulate you. Because of all this, it can be very hard to know when someone is grooming you and it’s very difficult to tell when their behaviour becomes abusive.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself, to help you figure out if you have been groomed or if someone is behaving in an abusive way towards you: 

• Do they give me compliments and make me feel special?
• Have they given me gifts or made me promises about the future?
• Are they trying to talk to me privately, away from group chats or forums? 
• Have they asked for my number?
• Have they asked to meet up?
• Are they telling me that the other people in my life don’t understand me and that I shouldn’t trust them? 
• Are my friends or family worried about this person? 
• Have I started behaving differently around my friends and family since this person came into my life?
• Have they told me to keep secrets or not to talk about our friendship with others?
• Have they spoken to me in a sexual way? 
• Do they tell me how attracted they are to me or that they want to do sexual things with me?
• Have they sent me any pornography or sexual content?
• Have they asked me to send them photos or videos of myself? 
• Have they pressured me to do things I’m not comfortable with?
• Have they made any threats towards me?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, it may mean that someone is grooming you.